I have been reflecting lately, and feeling an array of bittersweetness as toddlerhood draws to a close. Terrible twos...who made that horrible saying anyway? I can think of nothing more wonderful than the sweetness of my son. Maybe there's something coming up in the next 2 weeks that I've missed out on, I don't know, but the only things that have been terrible about twos are the hard times we have been through. In the most challenging of times-and as the mother of an autistic spectrum child I can assure you my son is an extremely challenging young person-this little one has questioned me to look inside my soul, naked and raw; to look dead in the face pains I'd locked down inside me deep and long ago. The memories that it has triggered have brought me to my knees, in fear and shame and marvel at the fact that I am still alive all at once, but through each one my gratitude deepens for the journey of living, and even more so does my love grow for the incredible spiritual guide my life was bestowed in opening my heart, my love, to this child.
Two has been nothing shy of magnificent.
My son has taught me so much about life and about loving. When he holds my hand and shows me to jump over cracks and run through rivers (roads), turn our hands into cars and drive(vruuum!) over fences, laugh out loud and stop anywhere just to dance, grabs on to hug me with his whole self and just exists along side me in every incredible way that he does, not only do I feel the joy of his presence and the magnitude of love as a mother but I sometimes feel a sparkle of the love I once had from my own mother as a girl. When I was such a wild little thing. In this way that love will always be with me, and even though he mightn't know it yet, it will always be with him, too.
I cannot wait to see what three will bring, don't get me wrong. I know that the difference between now and then is only a number. In this past year, though, I have seen my son bloom from his sweet babeishness into young boyhood...his imagination has truly come alive, he has learned what it means to be a friend, he has faced many difficult situations-at times with a level of maturity that has truly astonished me, and he has shown me the love and empathy of a huge heart. I have a son who goes out of his way to look for snails on the sidewalk to keep them safe, who is proud to hold my hand and jump up in the carrier for some snuggles (and sometimes a sneaky boob), who blows kisses to Daddy goodnight, knows how to make everyone we know laugh with his funny dances and creative charades, one who questions everything (where did he learn this???) and even though he speaks little, thinks much; a son who brings love everywhere he goes. My heart beams for what three will bring, but us mothers, we are all a little crazy, and can't help looking back and crying a little now and again as the fragility of youth whispers ever so quickly through time.
...but for now we are young, let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see...-Neutral Milk Hotel
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