Rushing Winds Run Through Our Door...

A birthday has passed...

...and another holiday...

...nagging me at the gaps of time that pass too far between the times I bring myself to update this far neglected blog. There is so much more, though, that I intend to transcribe! It passes so quickly!

Osrid Olov is three, autumn ended, the year-end holiday is over and we have welcomed the winter. Not that it needed welcoming. The winds rush violently outside, at times100 miles an hour or so, and the frost does not knock. No, pours through the mailslot like a flood of cold and hurried whispers, running through the draft under the living room door, climbing the stairs, and placing the friction of its air against the small holes and cracks to make the kind of music that can't be reproduced.

Such as the winter stops for nothing to sing its wild song, change seems to have the kind of velocity that can't be held back. When it is resisted, it happens around us, without us, and in doing so we are moved regardless, no matter how we have tried not to be. I have often found that the more I try to block the winds, the louder they become, somehow. There is always some other way inside, of course. I do not live in an iron home or an iron heart.

I realise that I am being vague, but a lot of things have moved me. My awareness with myself in the world is becoming increasingly vivid.
In such, I grow stronger connected to my own truths. However painful they sometimes may be. I have become a better mother for it, too, I believe.

...and O.O. is improving all the time. I have learned so much, and finally feel like I am seeing him come out the other side of the tunnel. I hear comments all the time over the past couple of months, that he is really blossoming. In full bloom. I set myself a goal to get back to where he was like that day and stay that way and I think that I have done that, even if our lives involve more tedious to-do's than they once did. Having communication, cooperation, a son who is feeling so clearly better is worth anything.

O.O. likes...no, loves...stickers right now, and we have been making lots of pictures. He likes to name them all "bubble". I think that's just his favourite word, though. He can now very clearly direct me to his needs and desires. He points my hand to things and says "dat dere (that there)", or similar. He hasn't got many words yet but every one he gets is a big leap forward, and it gives me hope.

I've connected with a long lost 4th cousin from Russia and am so happy for having a family member that isn't on a different plane of existance. It is so awesome to think of the parallels and hear so many incredible stories and ideas. I can't wait until I can get a 23andme kit for my son too so I can further the family tree and give him the gift someday of these incredible connections, and information about his health.

I am also doing lots of research, when am I not- and going great places. With the help of the remarkable Susan Owens, who I am so grateful to have befriended, and not just for her incredible smarts.

...Oh, and our living room looks completely different, with a new floor and rearranged furniture!

He actually posed for a photo here!!! This has never happened before!!!!

I strive to surrender to what winds rush through, soft or piercing, hot or cold, and become one with their song....and their silence alike.

A Tribute To Two

I have been reflecting lately, and feeling an array of bittersweetness as toddlerhood draws to a close. Terrible twos...who made that horrible saying anyway? I can think of nothing more wonderful than the sweetness of my son. Maybe there's something coming up in the next 2 weeks that I've missed out on, I don't know, but the only things that have been terrible about twos are the hard times we have been through. In the most challenging of times-and as the mother of an autistic spectrum child I can assure you my son is an extremely challenging young person-this little one has questioned me to look inside my soul, naked and raw; to look dead in the face pains I'd locked down inside me deep and long ago. The memories that it has triggered have brought me to my knees, in fear and shame and marvel at the fact that I am still alive all at once, but through each one my gratitude deepens for the journey of living, and even more so does my love grow for the incredible spiritual guide my life was bestowed in opening my heart, my love, to this child.

Two has been nothing shy of magnificent.

My son has taught me so much about life and about loving. When he holds my hand and shows me to jump over cracks and run through rivers (roads), turn our hands into cars and drive(vruuum!) over fences, laugh out loud and stop anywhere just to dance, grabs on to hug me with his whole self and just exists along side me in every incredible way that he does,  not only do I feel the joy of his presence and the magnitude of love as a mother but I sometimes feel a sparkle of the love I once had from my own mother as a girl. When I was such a wild little thing. In this way that love will always be with me, and even though he mightn't know it yet, it will always be with him, too.

I cannot wait to see what three will bring, don't get me wrong. I know that the difference between now and then is only a number. In this past year, though, I have seen my son bloom from his sweet babeishness into young boyhood...his imagination has truly come alive, he has learned what it means to be a friend, he has faced many difficult situations-at times with a level of maturity that has truly astonished me, and he has shown me the love and empathy of a huge heart. I have a son who goes out of his way to look for snails on the sidewalk to keep them safe, who is proud to hold my hand and jump up in the carrier for some snuggles (and sometimes a sneaky boob), who blows kisses to Daddy goodnight, knows how to make everyone we know laugh with his funny dances and creative charades, one who questions everything (where did he learn this???) and even though he speaks little, thinks much; a son who brings love everywhere he goes. My heart beams for what three will bring, but us mothers, we are all a little crazy, and can't help looking back and crying a little now and again as the fragility of youth whispers ever so quickly through time.

...but for now we are young, let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see...-Neutral Milk Hotel

Friends, love and beach magic!

Well it finally warmed up--and oh, it got HOT fast!! Of course my friends in the States will think I am nuts for being so bothered by the weather here but it feels deadly when you get used to most of the year being so ...brisk... as it is in this little town. I don't know why Padstow seems to have such a unique weather climate to the rest of Cornwall, but aside from living in a kind of crummy neighbourhood, I absolutely do love it here.

Lilla Osrid Olov has made some very dear friends shortly after my last post and me too. There is a woman a few houses down who I have long wished to speak with, always friendly and trying to chat with me, but I am so shy and awkward that I never knew what to say in return. All of this time. I felt so sad, I thought surely she must have believed I hated her as she had stopped saying so much. She must think I am such a snob, I thought! Well, one day I was playing with little O.O. in the park and one of her sons came out and brought a big car out for him to ride in-I don't know why, but it was so sweet, and then he ran back inside.

From then on I started talking to her, and I sort of blurted out something along the lines of how sorry I was that I was so awkward, I had always wanted to be her friend and say hello but I have aspergers and have no idea what to say to folks, and and and and I ..and she gave me a big hug and we have been the great friends ever since! :) Her sons are 6 and 9, so they are a bit older than Osrid Olov, but they love him to bits and they come running out to play with him when they see him and vice versa. We take long walks to the park or here or there or visit and play for hours, they are all so much fun. The boys really understand that O.O. needs gentleness and understanding and are so compassionate towards him, and he makes them laugh with his sweet little dances. There are not many people after all who will dance in joy every time you do something that makes them happy-but, my little boy!

About 2 weeks ago, Osrid Olov told me that he LOVES me! I know this, of course and he has hummed it before (he is good at humming out words he wants to say, hee hee) but hearing him able to verbalise it was incredible. He said "I love you Daddy" to Paul the night before too. Ohhh!!! He has been blowing us kisses all the time too. What a LOVE this boy is. Oh my life.

We had a lovely evening not long after that I still remember because it felt very magical. We had taken a walk and, via a new and very funny little friend, spending a couple of hours playing by the beach along the Camel trail as the sun went down with this lovely Muscovite family on a long holiday through Britain. Their 4 year old boy kept taking my hand and bringing me up upon the rocks to show me snails, and he ran around in big circles with O.O. making huge happy screams. They also had a younger toddler but he was cuddled into his mama. Their Dad was an international businessman and had been many places that I had lived. The 4yo boy could not speak very much English (not that O.O. can either really ;)) so when he wanted O.O.s attention he just screamed with his tremendous voice that happiest of screams. They were just adorable.  I found a huge, perfect seashell dried on the beach and imparted it to audible Pasha to remember us by. Little Osrid Olov fell asleep in the Ergo as I walked home in a warm misty rain-it was wonderful.

We have had some great warm summer nights together with our friends down the road now. It is so nice to have someone close that is awake and open to the world, it seems that far too few people are these days.

Today, we went with O.O.'s grandparents (my in laws-but unfortunately Paul was at work all day, boo) to the beach after grandad installed a brand new curtain upstairs to block out that infernal ball of yucky hot light from shining on us in our sleep. Osrid Olov wasn't feeling quite so great as he had had an accidental allergen exposure the night before and was just cuddled up in my arms the whole time-not that I minded that one bit if I am honest, I just wish he had been feeling more secure because I know how much he enjoys the sand beneath his feet normally. He did have a lot of fun though because he got to go in the ocean for the first time with me. He thought the waves splashing up against us were just as funny as could be and we were laughing, it was lovely. He got cold after not so long, but cheered up after nursing in the sand :) His nan wrote his name on the beach with a x and he loved it, he said "O.O.!" "O.O.!" "O.O.!" as I spelled out the letters "O-S-R-I-D  O-L-O-V, walking through the letters. OSRID OLOV! He loves the sound of his name, just loves it. His face lights up as I spell out OSRID OLOV! What a great idea, grandma! On the way home we talked about how soon his third birthday is creeping up on us and he kept saying "three three three" "three three three" "three three three" in a funny little hummy way, three times in this rhythm. It was so cute. We climbed into a lovely mag sulph. bath when we got home...oh, oh oh the mmmiiinnneraaalllsssss. MINERALS! Miineralllss. MMmMMmmMMmmmm.

Osrid Olov, 2 3/4

I feel a bit guilty as I've been meaning to do this for a very long time...in fact, I was hoping to do this every few months, to chronicle the changes in my sweet son in a cute little way. Well, life has gotten in the way, I've been tired, I've been scatterbrained, busy, this that and the other thing.....but this is so important....so hopefully I will kick myself in the pants to do it more....in any case, I am doing it now....

Osrid Olov, 2 3/4 Years Old.

Loves his 'Tars (guitar shirts) SO much (taking them off is a very hard time, too, bless him!)
Kisses Mum & Dad with either his lips OR his head-saying "mmmUH"
...and sometimes does so repeatedly, really really fast. MUHMUHMUHMUHMUH! 5x
Favourite taste other than mamas milk is coconut water, and he will drink a whole can at a time!!
Loves taking baths
Loves water play
Says "wheeeeeeee!" when he moves around in a fun way
Make-believes that his hand is a car-it is, isn't it?-all the time!!!
The hand-car's favourite places to drive are through the bathwater and in mummy's hair...of course.
Is a fantastic little helper and finds the vacuum to be a great source of entertainment
A biphasal sleeper with a 26h (approx) circadian rhythm
He is an old soul...and feels the heaviness of being one
Loves baking w/mum-and is shockingly good at measuring!!
HATES having his hands fiddled with in any way (getting them clean has taken some creative thinking!)
Absolutely HAS to go for a walk.
         Every day.
                   On his favourite path.
...unless HE decides otherwise. Of course.
Is still a very picky eater.
...but loves cookies ("free-from"!)
Asks "wwwhhhhyyy?" about 100x a day
There is a funny game he invented that we like to play downstairs, it goes like this:
He has a car with one hand, I have one car, and he has a car with the other. We stack them up on top of each other and, they go "flying" in the air backwards and we say "aaaaaahhhh!!!!"-sometimes hollering it, and sometimes almost saying it in a whisper. Depending on his mood...energy levels? I don't know...but it is so cute and fun and funny and I love to do it because it makes me laugh.
The vacuum cleaner is sooo funny!
--he is very good at using it too-bwahaha....soon I can simply lay back and relax...
Make-believe sneezing on someone/thing is a blessing. He likes to stop to extend his arm and say "ah..ahh...AHH-GO!", opening then his hand as if sprinkling fairy dust, upon people and things that he likes...and then he waves-"BUH-bye."  He thinks it is very exciting when I *actually* sneeze. We imitate the sounds around the house, because it's lots of fun and silly. "Ah---GO!" he says. "I GO!" *ACHOOOOO* "AhGO!"
This boy is awfully clumbsy, and prone to lots of bumps and bruises.
...but then, it isn't easy being 2!
Expresses every emotion with his whole body-a very intense boy-who knows where he gets it? :)
Emotitive empathy far, far beyond his years...
Very fearless and over cautious in completely backwards ways (me too, sometimes)-it's a good thing to have each other, very much
He has only just so soon began to climb the stairs again after regaining his confidence to do so and has another favourite game for on them: "Bubble" (thus the word!) I throw plastic balls up the stairs, trying to get them to land still. He throws them down, trying to throw them past me. He will throw lots down and I will throw lots up all at once and it gets to be a very busy game-when we get to the last bubble, the rules change-I try and throw the ball past him and he tries to throw it past me, and whoever gets it past the other wins-this is according to his nonverbal gestures!!! Incredible, right?? It is very challenging and actually very fun-he is so clever, I don't know how he comes up with these things, but it is really very cool!
He doesn't have an easy time with other kids-like me-we are on the wrong planet?
He loves riding on my back for nature hikes
Water play is the best...especially if it involves making a huge mess on the kitchen floor :P
Sometimes-he has such a hard time-because he cannot talk so much but a few words...but he can hum words, and when he tries hard enough, he can communicate what he needs. He is a very smart guy! He has even hummed that he loves me :)
...and he is still JABBERING in a Danish accent!! "A bee der boh, skee der skoh, I go, lee dll oohhh.." No Danish wrds, only jabber-per haps he will be good in acting some day ?
Sprinkles "magic blueberries" (invisible) on his favourite cars in the neighbourhood when we go for walks
Has a very tickly spot just beneath his precious toes, and how he loves to have them tickled!
Tucks me in with a special blanket every time he nurses
Dances with the pure joy that he feels from his heart
Wears his heart on his sleeve, the beautiful soul that he is
Osrid Olov, 2 3/4 Years Old.

I wish I could bottle you up and keep this time forever-please always be my wonderful you!

In Full Bloom

For the first time in a long time...
I am not here to write about the 'silver lining', if you will, in our lives. Instead, I have genuinely good news; because since May began, life has taken a dramatic turn...for the better.

About a year ago, my son-who was at that point climbing up and down stairs by himself-eeek-and saying some words and things, and was pretty advanced in having gone from part EC/part cloth nappy to fully potty training himself at 18 months old. All of these great advancements happening after we made some huge changes in our diet and lifestyle. He was pretty impressive in a lot of ways, however challenging...
but suddenly, it was like..I don't even know. We had made these tremendous dietary changes and I had seen so many positive things happen for him just prior. He regressed...it happened so unusually slowly, too. He lost more and more words until he could no longer speak again, he wanted to be carried a lot in places where he had felt so confident walking, stairs? forget about 'em. Gradually he spent less and less time doing the things he loved too...and over the last month it had gotten so bad that he wanted to sit watching TV half of the day. I could not go to the toilet by myself through any of this or I would face screaming despite that my son grew to what he is now, a 2 years & 8 m/o boy who weighs 27 lbs...some days I would carry him on my hip, before my wonderful friend was so kind as to loan me her Ergo (which I can't seem to adjust tightly enough...IDK if I am doing it right...any ideas??) which although yes, is a bit heavy on the shoulders, is a great, in fact tremendous relief compared to how i was carrying him...and I love having him snuggled up against me and he loves it too.

Well anyway I had decided to eat differently the night before the Mayfaire because I just was feeling desperate and wanted to change, in any way. I gambled that I might feel worse because as it was I certainly wasn't feeling well enough to go-we had gotten worse and worse and worse-I should mention that I had been feeling really healthy at first, and then the last few months, my health has really taken a dive too especially mentally. Well then we woke up and after snuggling and giggling in bed a while we had enough energy to make it-even with a bloated belly and an aching head- and wow, am I glad. I didn't expect that O.O. would want to stay for long, given how sensitive he is-there was around 30,000 people crowded into our tiny town, come from all over Europe to follow the Obby Oss and relish in the abundance of the season.

Well oh well. Not only did O.O. have a great time-we stayed for over 3 hours! One of the drummers of the marching band let him play the drum whilst they waited for the Oss to make its way on another round through-which took quite a while-and he just loved this. It was so sweet and I loved that they were so nice to him because he has had such a really hard time with people not really understanding him and seems to always get left out. Not this time-he was the star and everyone thought he was so cool! Yeah!!!

We got some great video footage and I got to touch the Oss-which was a great thing, because this is supposedly an omen of good luck. I thought it was just a bit of fun but hey, everyone was having fun and I figured it couldn't hurt-positive energy is positive energy.

...but maybe it did bring good luck???...because what happened from thereout has just been uncanny...

Like a fog has lifted from us...

I realised that all along it has been almonds-yes-almonds-that have caused all of these problems for both me and my son. As if we didn't have enough NOT to eat, right? The realisation was incredible...and other things hit me too, like how dehydrated we have been and how much my sun allergy has been flaring lately (I really need to stay out of it, in short).

So what happened, rectifying these problems---we woke up from our second sleep (we are biphasal) and my son stood up in the shower. For the first time ever. For the first time too, he did not cry out when the water hit his head. He gave me kisses-on the mouth!-and was happy all afternoon. He did not "ask" for the TV to turn on even once.
The next day, even better. We woke up and as I nursed him I told him I loved him. As he sometimes hums words and phrases (he does understand language, he just really cannot speak more than a few words), he for the first time ever hummed "I love YOU" back to me. If you are the parent of a special needs child, you will understand how joyous, how unbelievably marvellous and wonderful and splendid and good and all things incredible this was. Together we set up our second sprouting jar with seeds, making a mini science experiment of it-he poured in the seeds and water with my help and just loved it and got a mess of silly seeds everywhere. He is so excited every time we go and check on them and he is really happy to see they have little tails grwing-I told him when they grow long enough we are gonna EAT them, YUM YUM YUM! and then we'll grow some more. :) I hope this fun project will encourage his tastebuds in a good direction.
Then...as well as just enjoying all sorts of fun things, like playing ball and drawing and cutting out shapes, he wanted to show me something in the hallway. O.K........
Suddenly, my son climbed the stairs. All by himself. :') He came back down, scooting on his bum....and for hours that day we played a silly ball game on the stairs, and climbed up and scooted down the stairs on our bums. Not the most comfortable of activities, but I was just so happy that my son was feeling confident and capable once more, and that he wanted to share that with me meant the world to me.
As if this weren't enough news, he has also learned to say "wa wa" to tell me that he wants water, and has said "O.O." when looking at pictures of himself!!! How GREAT is that??? Today, he went all the way down the stone stairs leading downtown-just holding a hand. I'm STUNNED-those stairs are not an easy climb, even for me!!!! Oh my life!!!

So my son is now kissing my face again-and LOTS, at that <3 , has expressed to me in his "words" that he loves me, can now climb LOTS of stairs, no longer hates showers, knows his initials and water, and is just enjoying life again. He is just blooming. Oh my life. I am feeling so much better too, my soul is smiling to be this way again. I have hoped for so long-the weight of relief is almost too much to bear! Ha ha. My entire self feels relief. In any manner, I am just bursting with love and gratitude.
....and I am certainly not planning on eating almonds any time soon.

A Lost Friend Made & Boy Scouts...

Well, oh well.

Life warrants a blog post now, because it has been so unusual and interesting...not that it's ever not, really, but it's been especially interesting lately. There have been bad and good bits, always.

Osrid Olov is really blooming in some special ways, though.

To start, we've been getting comfortable with him riding in the Ergo (carrier)-this is very big deal for us because we have had a very hard time trying to use wraps/carriers and ultimately I've been carrying on hip/in arms and trying to juggle and it's been really hard and painful, actually. The carrier was lent by a really wonderful friend and fellow HE'er who wanted to help and I cannot even tell her how grateful we are!! <3 it feels so good to be snuggly with my son and also NOT dying while I walk up the hills, because he is not exactly a baby anymore. Bless. But he still likes to walk a lot too, and that's OK! I've even made dinner a couple of times with him all wrapped up and snuggled into me. Sooo sweet. Love love love love love.

We've reached the "why?" phase-it's a new word fr him, since his speech regression-so I hear "why?" to so many things I say. I love it, actually!! I really do, because I feel very intent on figuring out the "why" to everything myself, and it is so wonderful and cool for that one word, because he is able to clue me in on what he is curious about. How awesome is that for me to discover?

We had a hard day a few days ago, because there was a really mean old guy who was following me around just to criticise my parenting and I let it get the better of me-I am so sensitive and I get so hurt. More than anything I find it really hard to try to explain to my son why people make the comments that they do to us. I hear things like "why are you letting that child run amock, he should be put on a leash!" and "how can you just let him walk beside you when you're on the sidewalk without carrying him" and "don't let him touch anything, he'll break things!" It SUCKS because no matter how lovingly I try to treat him, he is still going to be shot at all the time by people who tell him he can't be trusted just because he's young. and I think sometimes he holds back from doing things that he wants to because he is so sensitive and he takes all of that in. I build him up, all the time, in every way that I can; because to me that's just what comes natural: the world is a really rough place and everyone needs someone who loves them exactly as they are. I also really see the effects of that too, because he is so compassionate and gentle to other people. Today we had so much fun and even though he was really happy and running around doing things he kept coming back to me every couple of minutes to give me a hug and a kiss. I am so blessed, really. I shouldn't worry-but I do-part of being a mom I guess!

Oh, some very strange thing happened a couple of days ago, a stray dog started following O.O. and I while we were out walking. We walked for a long time and tried to tell her t go home because I thought she was a neighbourhood dog but she kept following us and eventually I realised she was lost; so I started petting her and she-I think a she, but I cannot tell yet because s/he was dreadlocked and matted all over so badly and muddy :( poor doggy! Well she was shaking and looked weak, not thin or starving but like she hadn't eaten for a couple of days maybe. She had a very old grungey collar but no tag at all. So I brought her home and we gave her some water and meat and lent her one of our blankets and the shed-because we obvs neede to make sure she wasn't carrying disease if to bring her inside, since O.O. and all..well anyway Paul put up signs and nobody called or came to get her, we could not get ahold of RSPCA or dog warden, and we ended up bringing the bloody dog inside because she was fucking cute and pulling at our heart strings. We just blocked off the corridor so that she could chillax in there without O.O. touching her matted fur, since it was really yucky and we don't have any big scissors or shears. She seemed wounded on her belly too. Well the dog warden came yesterday and took her , because they want to clean her up and make sure she is OK and also make sure that her owner doesn't come for her. If the owner does not claim her in 7 days then they *would* be releasing her shortly thereafter to the pound-and from there, I honestly don't know uif she would be adopted because she is old. :( So the dog warden said the alternative is that we can have her back, and so that's what is going to happen if her owner does not come. After all if it were a homeless person that we found and their relatives didn't pick them up from the hospital after a week they would go to prison and maybe get executed, we would obviously save them---it is no different for an animal, because they are people too, darn it.. It is a real pain because our house is WAY too small for a dog and we can't afford it and this and that, but, like I said...there's just no question...and besides, we have all kinda fallen for the old lug. S/he is so sweet and fuzzy. And stinky. but sweet.

So yesterday O.O. had the most wonderful day; for some reason when we went downtown the stores were closed ?? and I had woken up with Paul's cold-the first I've gotten in who-knows-when-but I wanted to give O some fun so I took him to the park for a few. We're only gonna stay a few minutes, coz I'm tired...but then all these boy scouts rushed in! And I thought we were gonna be overwhelmed and unhappy, and it was a little scary when they first showed up but then a very nice boy made us his friends right away-he must have been around 7-8? -he was so cute, with a freckly face and big glasses and he had so may things to say about so many things and he just love O.O., it made me so happy. Then there were boys playing football and Osrid Olov was following them about, interested in the ball. Then one of the older boys noticed this and passed the ball to him so that he could play too!! How cool is that!! I joined in as well and we ran around being all fun and silly. He had SO much fun and I could tell he felt really special. I just love that so much. At one point he got a bit overexcited by a couple of the boys playing on this swingaround see-saw thing? Hard to explain-and he ran right over, fr some reason, wh knows why, ran right into the middle of the boy spinning around and fell. He had a big owwy, bless him, and the 2 boys stopped and were soo sorry and rushed over to see if he was OK. Bless. The nice freckly big eyed boy was still with us and he said "I think it was an accident" and I said "it was nobodys' fault, I think my little one just got a bit too excited by all the fun" and he said "Ohh. I know what that is like fella, it used to happen to me when I was a kid to." :))) I wish that kid's mum had been there so that I could have gotten them together again or something...is that weird? I don't know. They were just sooo sweet having fun together!!
When the scouts left O.O. tried to follow them-the scout "base" is very close to the playground and he tried to follow them. I knelt down to stop him and say we can't go there, only members can..and I told him that if he wanted to join them when he is old enough that we will do whatever he needs to make that happen. He just hugged me and cried softly for a few minutes, bless his sweet little heart, and then took my hand to pull me towards home.

So now I feel like someone lodged a golfball in my nose and stacked a load of bricks on top of me, and I think O.O. isn't feelin' too hot either, we're just kinda doing the whole lazy thang because I totally wore out whatever energy I didn't even have in me to have fun-but I really have not had so much fun in a long time. I was able to just think about O.O. and what we were doing and it was so cool. I love having a kid so much because I get to do all the fun stuff that kids do without people thinking I'm some sort of weirdo. Or maybe I am actually lulling myself into a false sense of security, and people really d think I am a complete weirdo. Actually I'm pretty certain that is the case, because I'm the only adult that I ever see monkeying around through the ropes and tubes, and people don't really pay me much mind except to say very strange things to me...but whatever. I have a best friend who is small and funny and hugs me and kisses my face and naps with me and is just really the person who I care about making happy the most, because I know how very lucky it is to love such a person.

Ergh. Spring..

Two and a half...
2 1/2...
2.5...
Two.
and.
a.
half...
PLUS
a month...

ALREADY!

Last night-as I often do-I lay awake, adorning my fondest friend, most precious creation, handsomest aquaintance, the strongest predilection I have ever known with a loving gaze, it struck me that my son is only five months away from being three years old. It feels like it is going so quickly and it kind of scares me, because I am desperate to pause it all. I don't want much of anything in the world to move. Time, an imaginary manmade concept to which I am blind, petrifies me. It is not that I do not believe I will enjoy my son as an adult, because I know without any shadow of a doubt that I will. It is simply that I love him so much as he is right now. I love to nurse him. I love that his little body somehow keeps me warm at night while we sleep. I love the single lengthy, tightly wound curl that grows at the back of his wispy strawberry hairs. I love that we fit into the bathtub together and I love putting the socks on his feet. I love the little dimple-dent creases that are always on his legs, even with how slender he is. I love how excited it makes him to have his favouritest-ever shirt clean & dry. I love scooping him up to bring him up the stairs at night and I just love being needed and wanted so much and I love him so much just the way that he is. I wonder sometimes if I am the only silly person whose heart breaks as often as it does shine, because of how severely they love.

Osrid Olov has met his grandfather-my father-for the very first time! Of course, right before my Dad got here, irony of ironies...he began to really start to cut his..-dun-dun-dun, MOLARS. Yowch. It was a bittersweet time in that sense, because O.O. was having a really hard time and staying up so late that I got only but few hours with Dad in the days he was here. We went for some long drives, and had some much needed, soul-feeding talks though and on Paul's birthday we went to Looe for the first time since we moved. We took a long walk around and then got Sam & James to come over with their beautiful little girl to Paul's folks house too to celebrate and O.O. and her got along really well which was incredibly cool, especially because he doesn't really interact with other kids at all. Both of them got very upset when all of the cake was eaten, though. Understandably...I do make a pretty good cake ;) It was very hard to see my Dad go, as I had not seen him in 4 years, but that evening he just started having such a hard time anyway and it showed me how much he needed my full attention.
                              

O.O. has regressed in his speech development. Paul believes it might be related to dentition(molars). I am not entirely sure, but it is sad to me that he struggles so much with verbal communication-he is back to only saying a few words now. He is getting better and better with nonverbal communication though; and is starting to draw recognisable pictures. I can see faces in his drawings, even, which is incredible to me. I asked whose face one was and he said it was Daddy, which was so very sweet! He is also making a lot of different humming noises and gestures to indicate different things when he needs them. It is a language all in its own and the more I memorise, the easier things do get...

Though, some things have been very very hard recently. The teething pain is driving him very crazy, I think-he doesn't quite seem himself the last couple of days. Recently, he developed a new allergy, on a more serious note-it came on so unbelievably quick. It happened as out-of-the-blue as him, and then eventually me, becoming allergic to capsaicin/chillies. He reacted twice in a row, very very severely, to things with cocoa in them. Not chocolate. Please, anything but that! Sigh. Oddly, I reacted too, but in a much smaller way (my atopic exema flaring, tiredness)-his was shortness of breath, a humongous bright red rash through the entire body with bumps and crying, shivering/fever. Both times. It is so sad that this is happening, especially since I have been working so hard to heal our guts and avoid environmental toxins, ect etera. It makes me scared of what other things could develop. I hate living life without being able to eat at restaurants or grab things at stores I'm unfamiliar with, ect. But this is what it costs to be well. There is no other choice.

It is finally spring weather here in Padstow. Which is disgusting and I wish it would go back to being winter. I do not like the sun, or outdoor warmth, or any such hoopajoo. That is all.